Friday, January 29, 2010

Down the rabbit-hole

I have fallen down a rabbit hole. it's pretty obvious. It looks like these images:
And you would expect to find me wandering around here:
It looks soft and warm, but falling down a rabbit hole doesn't always leave you in the softest of places. in fact, it can make your insides feel like this picture. I don't enjoy an inner-self conflict:
And when you've fallen down a rabbit-hole and you end up feeling lost and cold, you begin to realize things and notice things you have never noticed, which can actually be quite beautiful. I learned that I have never felt:
I'm perfectly okay with that. It kind of settles me actually. I feel like this person though. Lost and cold in some place beautiful.... but unaware of where I am and where I am supposed to go and why anyone would play with snow shoes, because everyone knows that snow shoes are a lie. They never work.
I try to think of happy things like:
And I even looked up bulldozers.
Russian bulldozers?
Urban Dictionary offered some lame suggestions about what a bulldozer is. I like the second choice better than the first.
A picture of one of the first bulldozers from Sweden I think. Flickr really messed up this picture:
One of the first bulldozers. I am for sure this is in Sweden.
On a whole other note... let THEM eat cake. Don't try to force me to when I do not want to.
So follow me...
Because when I am there I feel less lost and I feel more love.
But I guess I have to wait. And I'm not going to give up.... even though I prefer doing things on paper. I wish I could mail teachers letters sometimes.... except the post office terrifies me.
I'm trying to get up from where I have landed and walk away from the unhappy feelings. No one wants to be drowning in a pool of tears. That's a fact. And I am sure I will learn something from this experience. Wouldn't it be wonderful if even ended up enjoying it?! I guess I just have to figure out how to get the key to put me through the door. Or maybe I am already through because I am in a place where things don't make any sense to me... but everything still feels so fixed because it is.


PPS Because we are on the topic of Alice, these two quotes explain a lot of how I feel:

'Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where--' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
'--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.
'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'


'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: 'we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
'You must be,' said the Cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'

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